I Watched It So You Don't Have To: 2nd Half of Longmire

Ok fine.

I'll watch the rest of Longmire on Netflix. BUT, I will only finish watching the first episode.  How interesting can the State Troopers of Wyoming be?  Unless Lou Diamond Phillips delivers a performance that stuns me into a second episode, I don't think I will ever watch this show again.

So where we left off, Branch Connolly, is confronted by our Hero Longmire in the Sheriff's office about running for his position.  In a quick argument, Longmire sets out to go do what Branch should have done, since he has proven that he is under-qualified for the Sheriff's job.  Branch heads out to seek a favor from his favorite native American bartender.

At the bar, we see Longmire walk up to the bar and ask the bartender for a favor.  THE BARTENDER IS LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS!!!!!!  I knew he'd be around!

Longmire needs to ask Lou the Bartender here for some help on getting onto the reservation.  Lou can't do anything but help in this case.  So Lou drives back to his house after he's off of his tireless shift of getting people skunk drunk on Peyote Budweiser.  Once there, Lou's sister says that those dogs can smell white people.  I chuckled.

So as we are now stuck in the middle of the night with dogs barking and no clue as to who is in the back of Lou's truck.  Oh wait, we totally do, it's Longmire.  Always a gentleman.

Longmire and Pocahontas talk about some girl that is missing, or whatever was going on in the first half of this episode.  Apparently there is some prostitution going on in the Wyoming count.  Lou and Longmire chat about it on the ride back and then Lou says something very Indian-like about man.  Longmire agrees silently.
The next morning someone shows up at the door.  Longmire calls her 'punk', I call her 'The Miracle of another sexy woman in the state of Wyoming".

Oh wait!  It's his daughter.  And I think she's a lawyer since she said she needs to be in court and doesn't look like a cattle thief.  His daughter brought out the hidden box labeled Tea, that doesn't have tea in it since Longmire here is a French Press black coffee man.  Oh great!  It's full of his wife's Ashes!  Nothing like steeping your wife's ashes in some hot water for a morning pick-me-up.  I'm just kidding, that doesn't happen.

It seems like Longmire and his female deputy have something of a lead here.  The pair of pants has a belt buckle on them that for some reason reminded Longmire of something that used to be a ranch some years back.  Here we have a lineup of workers who are cooperating.  No one recognizes the pants that blondie is holding so then have to take their pants off.  Cue the Black Keys.  I'm not kidding, she says take your pants off and then The Black Keys start playing.  I have a feeling "Sport" here and his hardo buddy picked out that playlist for this episode.

After a 20 second montage of men trying a pair of Wrangler's and smirks from blondie, we find out that it is indeed "Sport" whose dungarees those are.  Of course, blondie has to be all "Hello Cinderella" because there is no way that a pair of pants won't fit more than one man on a ranch in Wyoming.  Not a chance in hell one pair of dungarees can fit another person.  But then Longmire pulls out the belt buckle that he got for his birthday from the ranch owner aka Dad.  I'd like to point out that if we just pulled out the belt buckle first, the trying on pants montage could have been negated all together.

Looks like someone has been dabbling in underaged prostitutes in the state of Wyoming, which is statutory rape, so says our hero.  The boy talks and says that many people go outside to the reservation to pick up hookers and bang them in trailers.  But then the trailers move around the state so that they don't find them.  I'm sure those probably make the best Craigslist postings. "SWF seeks Wrangler wearing cowboy to lasso this steer", or something like that.  How many people can use Craigslist in Wyoming?  In the final sentence in the interrogation, we find that it's the "Indian at the Red Pony" who knows where the hookers come from.  Time for Longmire to go visit his friend, Lou Diamond Phillips, who is named Henry.  I don't know why it took me so long to find that out.

Longmire storms into the Red Pony and asks what Henry has got himself into.  Henry replies, and I kid you not "Jukebox is broken, only plays country."  I can't even begin to break down how dumb that is.  A jukebox, which is hilarious to see an Indian repair, is being fixed since it only plays country.  IN WYOMING!  "Turns out Longmire, we've had some requests for that new Dubstep and Screamo Punk music that the kids are raving about.  We can't let this bar turn into one of those broken down bars that only locals come to to eat ribs, drink heavy beer, and then drive around in the country to widdle a walking stick.  That's what Applebee's is for."  This show is getting more and more irritating to watch.  Yes, I know it's set in the country, but the fact that someone needs to fix a jukebox to not play country music anymore is just ridiculous.

So Henry and Longmire have a standoff that lasts less than 5 minutes.  Henry pretty much says "are you going to let 37 years of friendship be thrown away before you trust me?"  Longmire does the Wyoming version of the Horatio Cane open jacket stance to show his power and his badge.  Then walks out of the bar after Henry tells him he should find his lead to the missing dead hooker somewhere outside.

Longmire and Branch get into an argument over the probably murder weapon.  Upon further review from Longmire, the gun that is in question is clogged up from black powder corroding the metal on the inside of the gun.  Longmire knows his chemistry.  Or he knows enough about gun corrosion to show up a minor.

Branch and Longmire begin to argue about Sheriff campaigns and what this town wants to see from it's Sheriff.  Branch thinks he has the skinny on his boss, noting that a Sheriff who drives around with beer cans in his truck is past his prime.  Longmire points out that when he drinks, he drinks Rainer, and the reason he has beer cans in his truck is because he hates looking at litter.  Which really plays well into the idea I had in the first blog post I had about this show.  So Branch gets what's coming to him and that is a speech about Longmire advising he read some Sherlock Holmes to work on his detective skills.

I imagine this is the liquor that Longmire loves to sip down.  It's malt, which may throw someone off the scent, but maybe the marketing company for Rainier just really wanted to find some revenue out there that wasn't from Pre-Depression T-Bills.

The wife of the dead man in question (which by and large seems so God damned removed from the rest of the story) comes in and asks Longmire for some getting over your dead husband advice.  It's been probably a day since he died.  I switched away from the Netflix screen to go and type that last sentence and BOOYAH!!!!:

RAINIER IN THE HOUUUSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Looks like someone loves getting sloshy with the local hair-growing hobo!  So happy I caught that.  From this conversation, which lasts about 1 minute on-screen turns into some insightful evidence about "the indian that works at the Red Pony".  Apparently, there is more than one working at the Red Pony, prompting Longmire to go out and meet up with Henry, and maybe apologize if the Rainier hasn't gone to his head.

Longmire meets up with Henry and finds out where to meet the kid they want to arrest.  The other "Indian" at the Red Pony just shows up at a random house and tries to explain himself to Longmire.  Longmire, ready with gun drawn, let's the kid talk.  The kid's name is Avo, which I'm guessing is short for Avocado.  Avocado, as he will now be known is struck from a distant sniper bullet from someone well-hidden.  Longmire runs for cover, counting to 5, knowing that a sniper needs time to reload in single shot weapon.

The next sequence that really makes me laugh, is that the sniper is apparently terrible from close range, shooting directly into the center of an oncoming Ford Bronco.  However, Longmire gets out of his car, grabs his rifle which looks more like Ralphie's rifle from A Christmas Story, and nails the sniper, who has now gotten into his Cadillac SUV and driven probably 60-80 yards from where Longmire is parked.  WHAT IS THIS SHOW?!  Longmire confronts the gunman, who is actually some actor we saw earlier in the show but at this point is irrelevant.  He has a goatee.  With Longmire walking away with more information about how to stop the prostitution in Wyoming, the gunman begs for mercy and asks Longmire to call him an ambulance.  Only there's one thing: Longmire doesn't have a cell phone.  Which may or may not be illegal for all police officers.  Uncovering montage occurs.  Families reunite.  Sex trade ends.  Hooray for all.

Our final shot, we see Longmire hammer a cross into the ground.  Is he about to bury his dead wife's ashes and move on?

No.  Because he's still traveling with his wife's ashes in his truck.  He just posted a Re-Elect Longmire for Sheriff sign.

This show sucks.  Your welcome for spoiling and ruining everything.

I Watched It So You Don't Have To: Longmire

(deep raspy voice) LONGMIRE!

A&E have got themselves a western crime drama!  Robert Taylor stars as Sheriff Walt Longmire, who is a Wyoming County Sheriff who walked away from the force following the death of his wife.  I know it sounds cheesy as hell already.  I first saw this show as a commercial while I waited to see Star Trek Into Darkness.  It looked ironically funny at first.  It also stars Lou Diamond Phillips (finally!) and the blonde shit-smelling faced girl from the last season of 24 (Katee Sackhoff), who is actually quite fetching when she doesn't have a shit-smelling face on.

I don't know anyone who has every watched this show, in fact, the notion that this show is entering it's second season makes me worry about the future of quality television.  So, as I continue with this blog, I will be spoiling the first episode of season 1 and most likely never returning to it.  Enjoy the spoilers!

First scene opens with a man hunting Sheep in the dark (I know, totally a 2013 crime in Wyoming).  But the man ends up on the other side of the gun, and is shot at in the dark of night! (Don't mind my faux-poetic excitement, I'm trying to put myself in the moment).  Then we cut to a man's bathroom, within a cabin no less, judging by the large wooden shelves to put soap and asbestos.  As we are about to meet our hero, Walt Longmire, he gets a phone call from Vic, who I'm guessing is the only pretty blonde cop in all of Wyoming.

Oh look!  Longmire's had some trouble keeping away the demons with the empty beer cars, open tins of sardines, and lone solo cup.  Man's taken a hard blow.  But thankfully, he enjoys a nice french press cup-o-Joe before heading out to meet his rookie partner.  I should mention that as Longmire is listening to what I imagine is his wife's voice on the answering machine (remember those!) he looks out the window to see an owl, then turns his head, then turns back to the owl and it's gone.  Serious metaphors.

Our hero!  Thermos -check, Gun -check, Denim on Denim on Denim -check, Cowboy hati - check, undershirt in case the temperature of this hot looking day drops 40 degrees -double check.  You are ready to go partner!

Longmire's partner!  Quite fetching right?  Doesn't really fit the Wyoming type, if such a thing exists.  Let's hope they get to crack this case of the sheep-stealer.  To fast forward a little, Longmire and partner question the Thornton boys (named Billy and Bob appropriately) and try to get to the bottom of who the other dead guy is.  Longmire knows what a flock of Ravens is (an Unkindess, to save you readers a trip to wikipedia) and as Longmire and Vic approach the dead body, Longmire uses that trusty sense of smell and smells oil, which mean the gun is clean and unused.  Longmire puts body in trunk of his own truck (unsanitary and probably unethical) and travels into town to see..

LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS!!  Oh man, he hasn't aged a...okay, he's aged since Young Guns, but I'm sure he's fresher than ever since his days in Stargate and the previously mentioned 24.  As Longmire approaches the center of town.  He goes to his community HQ, only to mention he doesn't need a cell phone his (guessing) commanding officer.  Of course the Sheriff's office comes fully stocked with characters such as the homely looking secretary, the fat and probably fumbling new officer, and the young slick blue flame special who wants to make sure everything is up to code.  Longmire stays in his office for a grand total of 40 seconds and then decides it's high time to notify next of kin for that poor dead man rotting in his truck bed.  I should mention that we aren't 15 minutes into this episode yet and we KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT WYOMING!

Longmire delivers the news directly the wife of the dead man.  Apparently Longmire doesn't know how to deliver bad news and the wife can't pick up on cues that easily.  Longmire sheds one tear on his boots and then we cut immediately to Longmire driving.  I'm guessing the wife grabbed her mouth and then cried until she realized she's better than Wyoming white trash husbands and then moved to a big city where there are plenty more single high school teachers.  

During the drive, Longmire sees a sign that says "Elect Branch Connolly for Sheriff" which means the young gun back at the station is trying to run against Longmire in the Sheriff's race.  I forgot that places elected Sheriffs since that seems like a borderline stupid thing to do.  This shock to Longmire causes him to not see an 18 wheeler coming straight for him on a straight road in the middle of nowhere with no distractions around other than a 6 x 10 billboard.  His swerves right and then tips his truck over, sliding into a skidded halt.  The truck is a mess.

Longmire calls Vic, who is, and I'm not kidding, melting snow at the original crime scene with a hair dryer.  Longmire goes and finds out from his buddy Omar (don't worry, he's white and balding, he's not Michael K. Williams) what kind of gun would need to have found a bullet that was found at the crime scene.  Omar states that "there are two kinds of people who shoot from a distance, cowards and pros, and both are dangerous, from my experience".  The bullet belongs to a gun that basically kills horses.  Omar literally called it a "horse killer".  The writer's of every action movie is kicking themselves from not having this kind of script.

Back at the hairdryed scene, fatty officer finds a pair of pants, not a bullet.  Longmire drives to a gun shop and talks to a dealer about where he could find a weapon for this kind of bullet.  Gun dealer pretty much adds nothing but the kind of people who come in to the shop, who are white, white, white, and Cheyenne's, who are also now white.  

Outside the gun shop, Longmire steps on a piece of litter getting away from the wind.  Man he's a good sheriff, I hope he beats Branch Connolly in the voting ballot.  So, Vic catches up with Longmire, and head out to an Indian reservation to find out more with some information they have from a file.  By the way, driving in Wyoming must take hours and it still looks like they haven't even broke for lunch yet.  Longmire and Vic pull up to reservation and try to talk with the local law enforcement, who apparently are all Cheyenne native Americans with long hair and typical accents that mirror their ancestors of yesteryear.  Which is why Longmire gets a slug in the face from some officer who blames Longmire for losing his sheriff.  At this point I'm at a loss, but I know that cops fighting one another is just an awesome thing to see in 2013.

"Hopefully, that son of a bitch better not step of the reservation" - actual quote from Vic.  So, back at the station house, there is a some scuffle involving a missing girl and the tribal reservation and some other shit that I don't really care about.  I'm half way through this thing and Lou Diamond Phillips, the biggest name in the damn show hasn't opened his mouth.  

That's it.

I'm quitting this show.  It's awful, don't watch.  I have better things to do.  I don't have time for Wyoming PD and then political battles with zero stakes.  Maybe if Longmire got over his dead wife, he'd be a better sheriff.  If you can make it through this show, you are more patient than I am.