I Watched It So You Don't Have To: Longmire

(deep raspy voice) LONGMIRE!

A&E have got themselves a western crime drama!  Robert Taylor stars as Sheriff Walt Longmire, who is a Wyoming County Sheriff who walked away from the force following the death of his wife.  I know it sounds cheesy as hell already.  I first saw this show as a commercial while I waited to see Star Trek Into Darkness.  It looked ironically funny at first.  It also stars Lou Diamond Phillips (finally!) and the blonde shit-smelling faced girl from the last season of 24 (Katee Sackhoff), who is actually quite fetching when she doesn't have a shit-smelling face on.

I don't know anyone who has every watched this show, in fact, the notion that this show is entering it's second season makes me worry about the future of quality television.  So, as I continue with this blog, I will be spoiling the first episode of season 1 and most likely never returning to it.  Enjoy the spoilers!

First scene opens with a man hunting Sheep in the dark (I know, totally a 2013 crime in Wyoming).  But the man ends up on the other side of the gun, and is shot at in the dark of night! (Don't mind my faux-poetic excitement, I'm trying to put myself in the moment).  Then we cut to a man's bathroom, within a cabin no less, judging by the large wooden shelves to put soap and asbestos.  As we are about to meet our hero, Walt Longmire, he gets a phone call from Vic, who I'm guessing is the only pretty blonde cop in all of Wyoming.

Oh look!  Longmire's had some trouble keeping away the demons with the empty beer cars, open tins of sardines, and lone solo cup.  Man's taken a hard blow.  But thankfully, he enjoys a nice french press cup-o-Joe before heading out to meet his rookie partner.  I should mention that as Longmire is listening to what I imagine is his wife's voice on the answering machine (remember those!) he looks out the window to see an owl, then turns his head, then turns back to the owl and it's gone.  Serious metaphors.

Our hero!  Thermos -check, Gun -check, Denim on Denim on Denim -check, Cowboy hati - check, undershirt in case the temperature of this hot looking day drops 40 degrees -double check.  You are ready to go partner!

Longmire's partner!  Quite fetching right?  Doesn't really fit the Wyoming type, if such a thing exists.  Let's hope they get to crack this case of the sheep-stealer.  To fast forward a little, Longmire and partner question the Thornton boys (named Billy and Bob appropriately) and try to get to the bottom of who the other dead guy is.  Longmire knows what a flock of Ravens is (an Unkindess, to save you readers a trip to wikipedia) and as Longmire and Vic approach the dead body, Longmire uses that trusty sense of smell and smells oil, which mean the gun is clean and unused.  Longmire puts body in trunk of his own truck (unsanitary and probably unethical) and travels into town to see..

LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS!!  Oh man, he hasn't aged a...okay, he's aged since Young Guns, but I'm sure he's fresher than ever since his days in Stargate and the previously mentioned 24.  As Longmire approaches the center of town.  He goes to his community HQ, only to mention he doesn't need a cell phone his (guessing) commanding officer.  Of course the Sheriff's office comes fully stocked with characters such as the homely looking secretary, the fat and probably fumbling new officer, and the young slick blue flame special who wants to make sure everything is up to code.  Longmire stays in his office for a grand total of 40 seconds and then decides it's high time to notify next of kin for that poor dead man rotting in his truck bed.  I should mention that we aren't 15 minutes into this episode yet and we KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT WYOMING!

Longmire delivers the news directly the wife of the dead man.  Apparently Longmire doesn't know how to deliver bad news and the wife can't pick up on cues that easily.  Longmire sheds one tear on his boots and then we cut immediately to Longmire driving.  I'm guessing the wife grabbed her mouth and then cried until she realized she's better than Wyoming white trash husbands and then moved to a big city where there are plenty more single high school teachers.  

During the drive, Longmire sees a sign that says "Elect Branch Connolly for Sheriff" which means the young gun back at the station is trying to run against Longmire in the Sheriff's race.  I forgot that places elected Sheriffs since that seems like a borderline stupid thing to do.  This shock to Longmire causes him to not see an 18 wheeler coming straight for him on a straight road in the middle of nowhere with no distractions around other than a 6 x 10 billboard.  His swerves right and then tips his truck over, sliding into a skidded halt.  The truck is a mess.

Longmire calls Vic, who is, and I'm not kidding, melting snow at the original crime scene with a hair dryer.  Longmire goes and finds out from his buddy Omar (don't worry, he's white and balding, he's not Michael K. Williams) what kind of gun would need to have found a bullet that was found at the crime scene.  Omar states that "there are two kinds of people who shoot from a distance, cowards and pros, and both are dangerous, from my experience".  The bullet belongs to a gun that basically kills horses.  Omar literally called it a "horse killer".  The writer's of every action movie is kicking themselves from not having this kind of script.

Back at the hairdryed scene, fatty officer finds a pair of pants, not a bullet.  Longmire drives to a gun shop and talks to a dealer about where he could find a weapon for this kind of bullet.  Gun dealer pretty much adds nothing but the kind of people who come in to the shop, who are white, white, white, and Cheyenne's, who are also now white.  

Outside the gun shop, Longmire steps on a piece of litter getting away from the wind.  Man he's a good sheriff, I hope he beats Branch Connolly in the voting ballot.  So, Vic catches up with Longmire, and head out to an Indian reservation to find out more with some information they have from a file.  By the way, driving in Wyoming must take hours and it still looks like they haven't even broke for lunch yet.  Longmire and Vic pull up to reservation and try to talk with the local law enforcement, who apparently are all Cheyenne native Americans with long hair and typical accents that mirror their ancestors of yesteryear.  Which is why Longmire gets a slug in the face from some officer who blames Longmire for losing his sheriff.  At this point I'm at a loss, but I know that cops fighting one another is just an awesome thing to see in 2013.

"Hopefully, that son of a bitch better not step of the reservation" - actual quote from Vic.  So, back at the station house, there is a some scuffle involving a missing girl and the tribal reservation and some other shit that I don't really care about.  I'm half way through this thing and Lou Diamond Phillips, the biggest name in the damn show hasn't opened his mouth.  

That's it.

I'm quitting this show.  It's awful, don't watch.  I have better things to do.  I don't have time for Wyoming PD and then political battles with zero stakes.  Maybe if Longmire got over his dead wife, he'd be a better sheriff.  If you can make it through this show, you are more patient than I am.