Super Hero Movies Are Too Disposable

Iron Man.  The Incredible Hulk.  Captain America.  Thor.  Black Widow.  Hawkeye.  Superman.

These are all movies that have come and gone in the movie theaters in either the past summer or the previous summer.  Almost all of them have interacted in the same movie, or will at least in the next couple years.

Since Disney bought Marvel and Star Wars, Warner Brothers bought DC, X-Men is owned by 20th Century FOX, Sony owns Spiderman (awkward), every other movie franchise has a billion dollar movie making machine behind it.  In fact, if you want to find out which movie franchise is owned by which studio, see the picture below:

Impressive right?  Disney has about the most money invested in this whole thing since they bought Marvel AND Star Wars.  That's about 9 summers of movies coming out  if you factor they have 3-4 Star Wars, and probably two more Avengers movies and then individual superhero movies coming out.  It sounds like a lot for one studio.

But my question about all of these superheros and sequels is, how disposable have all these movies become?  I didn't see Iron Man 3, and for good reason.  When you mix in all the superheroes into the same world, there comes a time when you begin to rank each one based on its powers.  If Superman and Batman coexist in the same world, why would Batman ever put on his suit ever again?  Oh, the one time that Superman can't fix something because it has Kryptonite on it?  If Iron Man and Thor and the Incredible Hulk coexist, why would anyone need Hawkeye or Black Widow?  WHY WOULD WE NEED IRON MAN?

The X-Men franchise seems to be the one franchise that doesn't have some of these problems.  There are mutants with one specific power, and there are more mutants that can neutralize or supersede that power, and normal humans are the casualties.  Plus every mutant can have it's own origins movie and sequel, which means Fox doesn't have to make another Indie movie ever again.

Another problem I have with these summer blockbuster movies, are they just going to be the Carnival ride for a certain director?  We had Superman movies in the 80's, 90's, and 2000's, why do we need more? Bryan Singer made the one Superman movie before Zach Snyder and Christopher Nolan made this previous one.  There is no doubt in my mind that Paramount will give another director a shot at making Transformers in a couple years as a reboot.  Doesn't this mean that if studios are gobbling up these franchises, they are just going to be having a rotisserie of directors try each one out?  

It might lead to every director's success and demise given the success of each movie.  Plus it's going to change the way actor's succeed and fail in the business.  If an actor looks like a certain superhero and they can act, they might be given a Brink's truck worth of cash for doing 3 superhero movies never having to work again.  Think about that.

How many more Spiderman Reboots are we going to have before we never it ruins the franchise?  Spiderman 3 came out like 5 years ago.  It did terrible at the box office, so why did they need to bring it back?  "Ooo spidey's going to be darker this time around".  Let me guess he's going to save the day while pissing off one girl and then he's going to get her back by throwing away his mask, but then someone tempts Spiderman and he has to return to his duty?  Count me out.

What I'm trying to say in all of this is that Hollywood can make all the money it wants with franchises, but there will never be a substitute for entertaining cinema that originates from the ground up with a great story and an awesome script.

Garden Update #6: No idea if it's really the sixth.

So the tomatoes are coming in.  The cilantro is coming great.  The zucchini have come in.  I've had three zucchini come up and one cucumber.  That one tomato is turning red.  I'm guessing that by monday, I'll have probably enough to make something.

Jokes No Longer In the Comedy Arena: Part 1

Remember back to those old sitcoms when there would be a scene that would warrant laugh track?  Ever see a rerun of I Love Lucy and there is just some joke that would not be seen in today's world?  Well, that's because there are some thing that are no longer in the Realm of Comedy.  Behold, a short list of things that used to be in old sitcoms and movies that are no longer there.

1. Pizza Dough Landing on a Tosser's head

Picture this scene: the setting is in a pizzeria.  Either the main characters are going there to meet up or one of the character's works in a pizzeria or some combination of those two.  But let's say that one of the character's is tossing pizza dough and then all of the sudden, they get distracted from a busty blonde walking through the front door, and (OOPS!) pizza dough on the face.  Cue the laugh-track.  I've been watching a lot of TV and I can tell you that the pizza dough on the face joke is pretty much dead.

Did we just stop having meetup's at pizza places?  I'm guessing that no one ever tossed dough high enough anymore for people to notice.  Either way, it was a good joke.

2. The Endangered Souffle

Oh Alice the maid!  So, here's another comedic trope that is extinct.  Alice is in the kitchen, she's baking.  The kids are coming home and they're making all sorts of racket coming in.  Alice has a Souffle in the oven.  She can't let it get ruined from all the noise the kid's are making.  She makes sure the coast is clear (another phrase seldom heard in life), and she manages to take it out and set it on the table.  Oh boy, the souffle is safe!  She sighs, and (LUPP!) the souffle collapses is ruined just from her sighing.  Ironic and funny.  Laugh track commenced.

This joke is funnier on a different level because I don't think there is a wife out there in this day and age who could make a souffle.  I don't even know if they know what it is.

3. Forgetting your pregnant wife on the way to the hospital

Here's a goodie.  A husband and wife are expecting their first child.  The husband is nervous about being a father.  Then he looks at his wife in a scene and she says "Honey, it's time."  He says "It's time!  It's time!"  The husband then goes around the house grabbing everything he needs to get to the hospital.  Overnight bag- check, change of clothes- check, water -check, balloons -check.  Then the husband runs out to the car and drives to the hospital as fast as possible running every red light.  He drives up to the Emergency entrance for Ambulances only, gets out of the car, sprints up the front desk "Hello, I'm here.  I'm here.  We're checking in!  Name's Johnson.  We're having the baby today!  My wife's water just broke, we need a room!"  The nurse then looks at the husband and says "Okay, sir, where's your wife?"  (Laugh track initiated)  He then stops, and realizes he has to go back to the car and drive back home because he forgot his wife.  This joke seemed to be very popular and has since disappeared.

I don't know when or who ever came up with it, but I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.

4. Curing Amnesia Caused by Head Trauma with .....More Head Trauma!

This one is specific to Gilligan's Island.  Imagine Gilligan walking around his mysterious island with the Skipper and trying to find someway to throw another cabana party even though it's been 7 years since they went missing.  Gilligan holds the secret to this part of the island that has the best fruit and half way into telling the Skipper, Gilligan is clonked on the head with a coconut collapsing him to the ground.  Gilligan wakes up, doesn't remember a thing.  He and Skipper get lost around the island and towards the apex of the episode, Gilligan is clonked on the head for a second time, all of the sudden, he remembers everything!  Riotous Laughter!

These were the types of things that had to be talked over and debated in writer's rooms while writing comedic gold that was Gilligan's Island.  This joke has also transcended into another dimension of comedy.  The idea of someone continuously bonking someone on the head with a coconut until they remembered something is just physical comedy gold.

5. The White Glove Test

This joke seems to popping up more and more in my real life since it has left the television.  Imagine a newlywed couple, inviting the mother-in-law over for dinner.  Even better, the grandmother.  She flies in from Florida looking like Mary Poppins with her long dress and wearing some stupid hat to keep the sun out of her eyes.  She walks slowly into the house, the newlywed couple are happy to see her, but she looks down upon this place.  She walks over to the fire place, drags her white gloved finger across the mantle of the fireplace, looks at it, tisks, and then shakes her head in disgust.  (Laugh Track on Swol!)

Who ever thought of this?  It had to be some bachelor (like myself) who had a parent come over and inspect the place, thinking that I would dust the fireplace mantle in the middle of the summer.  Dusting doesn't even occur anymore in most houses!

These jokes and more are going to be a running segment for this blog since I'm getting more comfortable with running segments rather than blogging bullshit every day.  Thanks for reading!