Super Hero Movies Are Too Disposable

Iron Man.  The Incredible Hulk.  Captain America.  Thor.  Black Widow.  Hawkeye.  Superman.

These are all movies that have come and gone in the movie theaters in either the past summer or the previous summer.  Almost all of them have interacted in the same movie, or will at least in the next couple years.

Since Disney bought Marvel and Star Wars, Warner Brothers bought DC, X-Men is owned by 20th Century FOX, Sony owns Spiderman (awkward), every other movie franchise has a billion dollar movie making machine behind it.  In fact, if you want to find out which movie franchise is owned by which studio, see the picture below:

Impressive right?  Disney has about the most money invested in this whole thing since they bought Marvel AND Star Wars.  That's about 9 summers of movies coming out  if you factor they have 3-4 Star Wars, and probably two more Avengers movies and then individual superhero movies coming out.  It sounds like a lot for one studio.

But my question about all of these superheros and sequels is, how disposable have all these movies become?  I didn't see Iron Man 3, and for good reason.  When you mix in all the superheroes into the same world, there comes a time when you begin to rank each one based on its powers.  If Superman and Batman coexist in the same world, why would Batman ever put on his suit ever again?  Oh, the one time that Superman can't fix something because it has Kryptonite on it?  If Iron Man and Thor and the Incredible Hulk coexist, why would anyone need Hawkeye or Black Widow?  WHY WOULD WE NEED IRON MAN?

The X-Men franchise seems to be the one franchise that doesn't have some of these problems.  There are mutants with one specific power, and there are more mutants that can neutralize or supersede that power, and normal humans are the casualties.  Plus every mutant can have it's own origins movie and sequel, which means Fox doesn't have to make another Indie movie ever again.

Another problem I have with these summer blockbuster movies, are they just going to be the Carnival ride for a certain director?  We had Superman movies in the 80's, 90's, and 2000's, why do we need more? Bryan Singer made the one Superman movie before Zach Snyder and Christopher Nolan made this previous one.  There is no doubt in my mind that Paramount will give another director a shot at making Transformers in a couple years as a reboot.  Doesn't this mean that if studios are gobbling up these franchises, they are just going to be having a rotisserie of directors try each one out?  

It might lead to every director's success and demise given the success of each movie.  Plus it's going to change the way actor's succeed and fail in the business.  If an actor looks like a certain superhero and they can act, they might be given a Brink's truck worth of cash for doing 3 superhero movies never having to work again.  Think about that.

How many more Spiderman Reboots are we going to have before we never it ruins the franchise?  Spiderman 3 came out like 5 years ago.  It did terrible at the box office, so why did they need to bring it back?  "Ooo spidey's going to be darker this time around".  Let me guess he's going to save the day while pissing off one girl and then he's going to get her back by throwing away his mask, but then someone tempts Spiderman and he has to return to his duty?  Count me out.

What I'm trying to say in all of this is that Hollywood can make all the money it wants with franchises, but there will never be a substitute for entertaining cinema that originates from the ground up with a great story and an awesome script.

Jokes No Longer In the Comedy Arena: Part 1

Remember back to those old sitcoms when there would be a scene that would warrant laugh track?  Ever see a rerun of I Love Lucy and there is just some joke that would not be seen in today's world?  Well, that's because there are some thing that are no longer in the Realm of Comedy.  Behold, a short list of things that used to be in old sitcoms and movies that are no longer there.

1. Pizza Dough Landing on a Tosser's head

Picture this scene: the setting is in a pizzeria.  Either the main characters are going there to meet up or one of the character's works in a pizzeria or some combination of those two.  But let's say that one of the character's is tossing pizza dough and then all of the sudden, they get distracted from a busty blonde walking through the front door, and (OOPS!) pizza dough on the face.  Cue the laugh-track.  I've been watching a lot of TV and I can tell you that the pizza dough on the face joke is pretty much dead.

Did we just stop having meetup's at pizza places?  I'm guessing that no one ever tossed dough high enough anymore for people to notice.  Either way, it was a good joke.

2. The Endangered Souffle

Oh Alice the maid!  So, here's another comedic trope that is extinct.  Alice is in the kitchen, she's baking.  The kids are coming home and they're making all sorts of racket coming in.  Alice has a Souffle in the oven.  She can't let it get ruined from all the noise the kid's are making.  She makes sure the coast is clear (another phrase seldom heard in life), and she manages to take it out and set it on the table.  Oh boy, the souffle is safe!  She sighs, and (LUPP!) the souffle collapses is ruined just from her sighing.  Ironic and funny.  Laugh track commenced.

This joke is funnier on a different level because I don't think there is a wife out there in this day and age who could make a souffle.  I don't even know if they know what it is.

3. Forgetting your pregnant wife on the way to the hospital

Here's a goodie.  A husband and wife are expecting their first child.  The husband is nervous about being a father.  Then he looks at his wife in a scene and she says "Honey, it's time."  He says "It's time!  It's time!"  The husband then goes around the house grabbing everything he needs to get to the hospital.  Overnight bag- check, change of clothes- check, water -check, balloons -check.  Then the husband runs out to the car and drives to the hospital as fast as possible running every red light.  He drives up to the Emergency entrance for Ambulances only, gets out of the car, sprints up the front desk "Hello, I'm here.  I'm here.  We're checking in!  Name's Johnson.  We're having the baby today!  My wife's water just broke, we need a room!"  The nurse then looks at the husband and says "Okay, sir, where's your wife?"  (Laugh track initiated)  He then stops, and realizes he has to go back to the car and drive back home because he forgot his wife.  This joke seemed to be very popular and has since disappeared.

I don't know when or who ever came up with it, but I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.

4. Curing Amnesia Caused by Head Trauma with .....More Head Trauma!

This one is specific to Gilligan's Island.  Imagine Gilligan walking around his mysterious island with the Skipper and trying to find someway to throw another cabana party even though it's been 7 years since they went missing.  Gilligan holds the secret to this part of the island that has the best fruit and half way into telling the Skipper, Gilligan is clonked on the head with a coconut collapsing him to the ground.  Gilligan wakes up, doesn't remember a thing.  He and Skipper get lost around the island and towards the apex of the episode, Gilligan is clonked on the head for a second time, all of the sudden, he remembers everything!  Riotous Laughter!

These were the types of things that had to be talked over and debated in writer's rooms while writing comedic gold that was Gilligan's Island.  This joke has also transcended into another dimension of comedy.  The idea of someone continuously bonking someone on the head with a coconut until they remembered something is just physical comedy gold.

5. The White Glove Test

This joke seems to popping up more and more in my real life since it has left the television.  Imagine a newlywed couple, inviting the mother-in-law over for dinner.  Even better, the grandmother.  She flies in from Florida looking like Mary Poppins with her long dress and wearing some stupid hat to keep the sun out of her eyes.  She walks slowly into the house, the newlywed couple are happy to see her, but she looks down upon this place.  She walks over to the fire place, drags her white gloved finger across the mantle of the fireplace, looks at it, tisks, and then shakes her head in disgust.  (Laugh Track on Swol!)

Who ever thought of this?  It had to be some bachelor (like myself) who had a parent come over and inspect the place, thinking that I would dust the fireplace mantle in the middle of the summer.  Dusting doesn't even occur anymore in most houses!

These jokes and more are going to be a running segment for this blog since I'm getting more comfortable with running segments rather than blogging bullshit every day.  Thanks for reading!

My Brain's "Memory" is Overloaded

Here's the problem with the world.  There's too much.  Too much what?  Too much of everything.  Too many books, too many audiobooks, too many movies, too many TV shows, too many podcasts, too many blogs, too many foods, too many songs, too many magazines, too many phones, too many apps, too many coffees, too many jokes, too many twitter accounts, too many tumblr's, too many bars, too many drinks, too many instagrams, too many flavors, and I could go on FOR-EV-ER.

What I means by Brain's memory, I mean like a computer's memory.  When you are doing too many things at once, your computer gets slow and can sometimes just shut down.  When I find myself getting caught up in too many things, my brain just needs to shut down and forget about a couple of things.

As I sit here, I am listening to one of the 20(!) podcasts that I listen to.  It's the Grantland Sports podcast with Jalen Rose, Dave Jacoby, and Bill Simmons.  I have 32 podcasts on my ipod that are unlistened to.  Let's see what else I have too many things of in my life:

Books I intend on reading: Inferno, Mark Twain, Jack London, Bukowski, George Pelecanos, Chuck Palahniuk's new book (whenever it comes out), Writing for Profit and Fun by Thomas Lennon, Steve Martin's book, Rodney Dangerfield's book, All The Rave: Inside Napster, Four Hour Chef, most of the Hunter S. Thompson books I own besides Hell's Angels, Fear and Loathing in LV, Great Shark Hunt, Everything is Perfect When You're a Liar, The How of Happiness (among other self help books), Save the Cat!, Don Winslow's books, David Thorne's two books, Pat Riley's Book, Jackie MacMullin's "When The Game Was Ours", Shaq's book, Phil Jackson's book (whenever it comes out), Chuck Klosterman's books, Patton Oswalt's book, The Steve Jobs book, whatever audiobooks are on my iPod that haven't listed yet and some of Neal Stephenson's books.  I didn't count, but that's about 3 years of just reading for me.  Just if I stopped and began reading, that would be so many god damned hours of reading.  I love audiobooks because it scales down reading from days and weeks to hours.

Movies to watch: I scaled it down from 140 movies and TV shows to 36 movies and 24 TV shows.  Most of the TV shows are British TV shows, whose seasons are usually 6 episodes long.  So, 60 movies/TV shows NOT INCLUDING what is currently on TV that I watch.  So you can add about 3-4 hours per week of TV to those numbers.

Twitter Accounts I follow: I recently scaled it down from 500 twitter followers to about 350.  If people are reading this and are finding out I don't follow them anymore (friends, etc.) it's because I don't find enjoyment from your tweets, intellectually or comically.  Following twitter accounts and keeping up with the trends can take endless ours of my life.

Places to Eat: Every new place in Boston/Cambridge/Somerville that are trendy and delicious.  I think according to my Thrillist, there are about 200 restaurants that I have not been to, but have probably showed some interest in going to.  Eating at these places would probably take about an hour, maybe a half an hour if I was lucky.

Podcasts: Adam Carolla Podcast: 90-100 minutes episodes every week day, Adam and Dr. Drew podcast: 60 minutes twice/three times a week, Nerdist: 60 minutes maybe twice a week, This American Life podcast: 60 minutes a week, Girl on Guy podcast: 90-120 minutes once a week, Aoki's House: 1 hour per week, Basketball Jones Podcast: 40-60 minutes every week day, Dave Ramsey podcast: 40 minutes per day, Dada Life: 60 minutes per month, Dr. Drew podcast: 60 minutes twice a week, Baseball Tonight Podcast: 40 minutes per week day, Bill Simmons' B.S. report: 60 minutes 2-3 times a week, Film Vault: 90 minutes once a week, Dyro Podcast: 60 minutes a week, Tiesto podcast: 60 minutes a week, Hardwell podcast: 60 minutes a week, Grantland Sports podcast: 40-60 minutes 3 times a week, ARIYNBF (look it up): Total 150 minutes a week in 2 podcasts, the White Panda's panda waves: 60 minutes per month, Bill Maher's podcast: 70 minutes a week.  And that's it.  That is so much listening to do in a month.  It's overwhelming, but I enjoy every one of those podcasts.  I need to scale down those podcasts even further to get to the music portion of my ipod.

Magazines: Wired, GQ, and I still get ESPN magazine even though I'm not paying for it anymore.

This is what I mean: I get too engulfed in consuming media that I forget to sit down and create for myself.  I'm happy that I got into gardening because it will literally produce something over time and won't just give me a headache after all the time I spend on it.  The time it took me to write all of those out and figure out what each of those will suck out of my life is about 90 minutes.  I listened to 2 podcasts in that time.  That's gross.

Want to know what's even the worst part?  I haven't even put in the time I spend making meals, driving to and from places, doing chores, exercising, watching sports (3+ hours per event) and going out on weekends, oh, and JOB SEARCHING!  The absolute worst part is that I feel like I'm stuck if I ever want to get into something new or want to go out and learn something.  I always feel I'm stuck in a routine that I have a hard time breaking.

I'd love to live in a world where I could get paid to consume all this media.  I know it's over my head, but I can't find a solution to most of these kinds of things.  I cut down my Netflix queue based upon what movies I could talk with my friends about.  I stopped going out and drinking for sports games I don't care about.  I started deleting podcasts I don't think I would enjoy or would see as a waste of an hour.  It's a process, but I just need to take the steps to eliminate the waste in my life, as depressing as that sounds.

2013 Summer Movies I (for the most part) Plan on Seeing....

Movies!  I love talking movies.  I love talking about how they were made, who was in what, who directed what, if there are homages to other movies, I love it all.

Fast 6 - SAW IT AND LOVED IT - It was awesome and it was everything that I expected it to be.  Can't wait for Fast 7, which has been announced and will star a certain bad guy that makes for great bad guys.

This is the End - Cannot wait to see this.  Everyone of my favorite comedy actors in the last 10 years (James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Aziz Ansari, Michael Cera, Craig Robinson, Danny McBride,  etc) is in the movie.  It looks great and I can't wait to spend time to watch it.

The World's End - Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and director Edgar Wright.  They make nothing but gold.  Shaun of the Dead was amazing.  Hot Fuzz was amazing.  There is a 100% chance that this is amazing.  The British do so much better than Americans in comedy.  They really do.

The Internship - Kind of skeptical about this.  I loved Wedding Crashers.  But it's now like these two are getting jobs as Google Interns instead of crashing weddings.  I don't know if old men humor works on guys that seem like they are in their 30's.

Much Ado About Nothing - I'm only interested in this because I think that Joss Whedon can make anything work after seeing Cabin In the Woods and The Avengers.  I mean, come on.  Joss Whedon anything is just awesome.

Rapture-Palooza - Another "apocalomedy" where comedians are taking over the end of the world.  Craig Robinson is also in this one.  I think the trailer looked funny, but it might not be for everyone.  But Anna Kendrick is amazing.  So I'll see it.

The Man of Steel - This is the comic book movie of the year and it hasn't even come out yet.  I'm very skeptical of this mainly because I'm not sure about Zach Snyder, I'm not sure about Chris Nolan producing, and I just don't seem to be in love with Superman like everyone else is.

World War Z - Probably the most overplayed trailer in movies.  I didn't read the book, but I'm guessing that people who did will love this endlessly.  If I do end up seeing this, I hope that the CGI isn't as telling as it is in the trailer.

White House Down - There was a movie exactly like this out earlier this year, so I'm not seeing it.

The Heat - Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy playing buddy cops.  I think that's all we need to know.

Despicable Me 2 - I laughed several times during this trailer.  I didn't see the first one, but that's because I didn't know anything about it.  Kristen Wiig and Steve Carell in cartoon voices.  I loved the trailers.

The Way, Way Back - Steve Carell again.  This time about a kid who is on vacation with his family.  Could be interesting.  Haven't seen the trailer, but I have heard many good things about this.

Pacific Rim - I think this is going be like a real life version of Voltron, except that something has gone wrong on Earth, not in space.  Imagine if our governments had used this much money to make things that were available to do this.  I don't know what to think

R.I.P.D. - Men in Black, but with dead people instead of Aliens.  That was definitely the pitch for this movie to get made.

Only God Forgives - Ryan Gosling and the Drive director return to make this movie about a fighter.  Or something like that.  Haven't heard too much other than it's Gosling and the Drive director again.

The To-Do List - Aubrey Plaza is hipster-gold right now.  Plus if it's her doing a bunch of sex stuff, then it's totally going to win whatever weekend it comes out on.  Chris Bosh might see it too (twitter joke).

Elysium - Jason Bourne has a robotic body and takes on Paradise.  That was the pitch for this movie.  I love the idea of this movie and I can't wait for Damon to make it awesome.

We're The Millers - Jason Sudeikis, Jennifer Aniston are back at it again making a film, in which Aniston is playing a stripper and that's all I know.

Kick-Ass 2 - I loved the first one.  Chloe Grace Moretz was hilarious as a foul mouthed 13 year old.  Christopher Mintz Plasse is awesome as well.  Can't wait to see the sequel of this comic book sequel.

Drinking Buddies - Olivia Wilde, Jake Johnson, Anna Kendrick (swoons).  Sounds like a solid indie comedy that I hope gets it's due.  I like the people in this movie.  I couldn't find a trailer, so the only video I could find is of Anna K.

Machete Kills - Another awesome sequel.  Danny Trejo with Knives is the best thing ever.  Rob Rod is a great director.  Some may not like the cliche violence, but that's what you get.

Condensing my Netflix Queue: And So Can You!

How long is your Netflix queue?  Really, how long is it?  Look at what's coming up next in the mail, or what is supposed to be your next movie to stream?  Have you given that movie any thought in the last month?  If you have, good for you.  If you looked at what's next, and thought "Well, I don't really want to see that," or "Who the hell am I going to watch that movie with?", or "Have any of my friends seen this movie and can I talk about it with anyone?"  If not, it's time to UNCLUTTER your Netflix queue.

Okay, let's start with a few suggestions of how to properly clean up your Queue:

1. Do you share your Netflix Queue with more than 1 person who watches about as many movies as you do?  If so, you might need to do this with them.  Spend some time and figure out if you REALLY NEED to see that documentary about oil drilling or the one about which kinds of foods are killing Americans (I'm not surprised there isn't an instructional video on how to make a food-umentary with all the other spawns of Super Size Me out there).  But seriously, go through each movie together and find the ones that you added to your queue when you were drunk or you just HAD TO SEE based on recommendations from the Netflix algorithm.  
2. Find any and all TV Shows that you've seen on the Netflix front screen for the last year or so, and put those toward the bottom.  Netflix is able to get the contracts to most TV shows since the licensing deals are easier to acquire.  The licensing process for movies takes a while to get because movie studios are a bitch to work with (I'm just assuming from the point of view of Netflix).
3. Follow InstantWatcher on Twitter (if you have a Twitter).  This website is devoted to showing what's moving and what's soon to be expired on Netflix.  They show what's coming soon, how many days are left on each movies contract, and whether or not people are watching these movies currently.  It's a great website.  I don't know why Netflix hasn't overtaken such a website, but it's beyond me why Netflix does anything that it does.  But InstantWatcher can show you lists of NYT's critics picks, Rotten Tomatoes Fresh movies, as well as many other movies.
4. Have a personal policy in place for WHY you would want to see a movie.  For comedies, it's obvious that you would want to see a movie that makes you laugh.  You can apply that to any genre really (horror-you want to be scared, documentary -you want to learn, etc.)  But for other genre's of movies, you should have a reason why seeing this movie is worth your time.  Now I've seen my fair share of Indie movies, but they rarely come up in conversation.  I do talk with a couple of people who are avid movie-watchers like myself, but the discussions of certain movies don't extend beyond that point.  So, if you have a movie in your queue that you don't think your friends will ever talk with you about, it might not be a movie worth your time at the moment.  For instance, let's take a movie like Safety Not Guaranteed.  It's an Indie movie that has some rising stars like Aubrey Plaza, Jake Johnson, and Mark Duplass.  I enjoyed watching it, but none of my immediate friends have seen it, or probably will see it.  Indie movies might not be the movies that your friends talk about, but you like everyone that stars in the movie.  Having a policy like, I'll see this movie because I like the stars in it, or I won't see this movie because my friends won't ever see it thus it's pointless as a discussion topic.  Now, I saw this movie, but I knew that a couple of my friends would have seen it.  Thus, I didn't think it was a waste of my time.  

Now, there are some people out there who are cinephiles or completists who want to watch every kind of movie based on who the director is or who is the starring character.  By putting a personal policy in place for my own tastes, I've cut my Netflix queue down from 160 to 30.  I cut out BBC shows that are no longer on TV that I could watch later, all high-and-mighty documentaries that are just a vehicle for promoting a ridiculous cause, shows that I've already seen every episode of, movies that are too long, and movies from the 1960's or older that carry no significant importance in today's world.  Inversely, I've managed to not bother with movies that are of a bigger vehicle e.g. I haven't seen Thor or Captain America because I saw The Avengers in theaters, thus making it useless to see both and try to connect the two.

I hope these tips help out with uncluttering your streaming life and improve your social capabilities.  

Day 24: Your Favorite Movie and What it's about....

I don't know if I can answer this question: What is my favorite movie?  I've seen Caddyshack the most times.  I've analyzed the Shining a lot.  I've loved Blazing Saddles since the first time I saw it on VHS.  I loved The Burbs when I was a kid.  I felt like A Beautiful Mind was the best movie the year that Denzel won Best Actor and not Russell Crowe.  Although I think my favorite movie has be Pulp Fiction.  It's hard to argue.  It's a movie that is like no other.

I remember seeing this movie much later than when it was released.  I think the first copy I bought was the 10 year anniversary one.  It was just such an awesome movie cover to cover.  It's the movie that made me want to get involved with writing and movies in general.  It's a summation of suburban ugliness.  It has gangsters, it has fights, it has cool music, it has drugs, it's got unforgettable characters, it has mesmerizing scenes, and it's never really been duplicated as a film.  Every time I've seen this movie, I've been comfortable after the two and half hours and just thought "I could've watched that for two more hours."  It's the only movie that I will watch and never get bored with.  I think that's the best thing about a director that you can say.

If I were on a deserted island or paralyzed for the rest of my life, I would watch this movie over and over.  It's script is perfect and it never really gets tiring.  This is my favorite movie.

!!SPOILER ALERT AHEAD. DON'T READ ANYMORE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN PULP FICTION!!

To summarize Pulp Fiction is pretty hard.  It's a gangster film.  The opening scene begins with "Honeybunny" and "Ringo" sitting in a diner eating breakfast and talking about how they robbed a convenient store instead of a bank.  They then pop up and yell "Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!  Any of you fucking pricks move and I'll execute every fucking last one of you!"  We move to another scene, the main honcho, Marcellus Wallace, sends out two hitmen, Jules and Vincent, to take care of an issue regarding a payment that Wallace was owed.  The film then jumps to Marcellus Wallace making a deal with a boxer, Butch Coolidge, to take a fall in his upcoming fight.  We see Jules and Vincent walk in the background, but they are dressed differently from before.  The film then jumps again to a situation where Vincent, has to take out Marcellus Wallace's main girl, Mia, out for dinner, while not making any moves on her sexually.  They go to dinner and win a dancing competition, which is one of the most entertaining yet woefully repeated scenes in other movies.  Mia finds her way into Vincent's little bag of drugs, which she thinks is Cocaine, but we're to believe that it's Heroin, based upon the drug dealing scene that we saw prior to Vincent picking up Mia in his car.  In order to save Mia, Vincent rushes Mia to his dealer's house and they perform an unforgettable scene on Mia's body.  After this scene, we learn a little more about the life of Butch Coolidge, and what he's actually fighting for and running from.  One segment, which is a wonderfully done scene with Christopher Walken, is about Butch's Father's Gold Watch, which his wife forgets while they are trying to pack up and leave town.  Butch has to return to his old apartment and get his watch back, but he finds a certain person we've met before that's reading a pulp fiction book in his bathroom when Butch walks in.  Butch tries to return to his wife unscathed, but is met by Marcellus Wallace at an intersection, which turns into a rundown and leads to one of the most originally horrific and mesmerizing scenes in cinema.  Butch and Marcellus find themselves both tied up and in someone's basement about to be gang-raped.  I won't spoil what happens, but it's at this point that Butch comes to a personal choice to save his business partner from being raped or face being raped.  We jump back to Vincent and Jules back in the apartment from the beginning of the movie.  They find themselves faced against a guy who pops out of the closet and misses Jules and Vincent with all six shots he fires from a hand cannon.  Jules thinks he has been blessed with divine intervention and considers leaving the business of being a cold-blooded gangster.  Vincent asks the kid they have in the backseat of their car if he believes any of it.  I don't want to spoil anymore, so just go watch the movie and see for yourself.

Day 17: Your High's and Low's of this past year

Okay, so I have to back track a bit.  I'm going to italicize the bad things and make the good things in bold font.  If I checked facebook from the last year until now (checking)...

So last year on Cinco de Mayo, I went down to New Bedford to visit some old college friends and drink.  It was there that I realized that UMass Dartmouth had put up a windmill and was in the midst of building a new building.  As of now, I think they are going to need a lot more renovations to save their admissions if you've been watching the news lately.

I also changed around my living room and didn't have a roommate at this time last year.  I also cleaned out my shed this time last year.  I know this because I can see it happening on Facebook.  I went to see Primus with my friends Jack and Bill at the Boston Opera House (at least I think it's the Opera House).

What's really funny is that this time last year, the Great Gatsby trailer was released and you know what?  The movie is STILL not out yet.  That's how awful I plan for this movie to be.  This movie trailer has been surfaced for more than a year.  It's also showing in 3D, which is now the stamp for "we need to make so much money off this movie it sucks this bad".

My summer of 2012 was pretty fun as well.  I went down the Vineyard to party it up with my friend Travis.  I love the Vineyard in the summertime.  I also had a nice weekend down the cape with the whole family together.  That was a really fun time.  It was nice to see everyone under one roof for the short time that we had.  I started reading George Pelecanos books and haven't got back to them since finishing the first one.  I also spent a couple of weekends during last summer getting "certified" to become a bartender.  I trained with about 25 other people my age to become a bartender, but I have yet to get a job as a bartender.  I know, my fault.

I turned 26 last year, which is a useless birthday to celebrate.  My cell phone also broke and had to use one of the cell phones that my friend Jon had sitting in his desk.  I still have it now and it's a great paper weight.  I ended up bidding for one on Ebay that was identical to mine since I didn't have the money to sign up for a new one and my contract wasn't yet up.

The Olympics happened, which was entertaining.  The Red Sox made a $250 Million dollar trade.  I was still working at the same job I am now and I broke my promise of trying to switch jobs and get the hell out of Bank of America.  I joined a Fantasy Football league in which I made a slew of new friends and went to Mohegan Sun, made week to week bets with other guys and just had a great time overall.  Can't wait for that again this year.  I found a retained a roommate that is still living with me.  I had my wisdom teeth removed, which was nice to take some time off of work, and is documented on my Tumblr.  I learned how to wrap my face in bandages in case there is anything wrong with my jaw.

There was a huge hurricane in New England that flooded most of Quincy.  I was Bane for Halloween, in which I won Scariest Costume at a costume party.  The NFL had their whole Referee dilemma which turned into a real clusterfuck, and then one week in Miami, this happened.  Fast-forwarding through Winter, I learned how to use the snowblower.  I spent New Years Eve in Boston, which was fun for doing something new.  I went to Memphis for work, which was fun for the two weeks I was there.  I ate much barbecue, I would've gained probably 30 pounds if I stayed there more than 2 weeks.  I came home to a huge snowstorm that nearly ruined all of the Northeast.   I found out that after working in Memphis, I think that a life in traveling is very much up my alley.  

I started this website through GoDaddy, called NoMoreGoofs.com.  It started out as a business idea for movie studios that would want to cut down on the number of "Goofs" that occur in movies.  Pretty much a small money idea that would help people clean up some of the mistakes that audiences are quicker to catch.  I haven't really touched it since I started it and it's pretty much been just a domain that I paid $80 dollars for 3 years.

I did get started in my journey to become Debt-Free.  I've paid off 2 of 3 credit cards.  I've been trying to work hard getting more money and cutting back my expenses.  It's a journey and not getting any other bites on jobs has made this hard.  I think getting a part-time job along with a new full-time job is really the next big thing I need to shift into a higher gear.

To summarize my last year, it's been several things up and several things down.  I feel that some of the ups in my life have been related to other things that don't really involve me.  As if my happiness can be quantified by which movies are in theaters.  In terms of relationships, it's been mostly down, but I keep trying to find a new person to meet.  Dating sucks.  I've made probably one female friend out of maybe 5 or 6 that I've gone on a date with.  Maybe I need some outside help that I have yet to seek.  Let's hope that this next year is going on the up and up.

Day 9: Any Job in the World, What would it be...

I certainly know the answer to this one.  I wish I was any one of the following:

• Hollywood Executive with Green-lighting power

• Movie Director/Producer

• Screenwriter

• TV Writer

• SNL writer/contributor

• Stand-up comedian

As you can see, I want to work in the movie making/entertainment industry.  I don't have any particular background in the field or the location, but I still want to work in it somehow.  I wouldn't want to be anything else really.  I love movies.  I love TV.  I love them so much that I would very much like to be a part of them. I like the idea of talking about the premise of a film and having it being made.  I like looking through the pages on Kickstarter and IndieGoGo looking for people that want to make films but don't have the resources to actually do it.  I also just like thinking about which movies should be remade and which actors should play which roles and so on.

I try to envision myself living in Los Angeles or New York and being part of a writing team and making something work for television.  I don't know what it takes but I think up too many ideas and too many jokes to have my life not lead to working in some sort of media creation.

I just googled some Dave Chappelle quotes from his Inside The Actor's Studio appearance.  The ones that stick out most are "If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher", and "My father told me, 'Name Your Price in the beginning'. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there", and finally "One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that people around you change dramatically".

The second quote sticks with me because while trying to think about these steps, I'm thinking about naming my price.  I don't know how far I'd want to go or what I would sink to before I knew how to get out.  Deep thoughts going on.

I'll keep blogging until I decide.

Famous Fat Guy in Cinema: John Candy

When I talked earlier about Hollywood's perception of Fat Guys, I mentioned how larger men were shrinking down for more serious roles.  The first time I saw John Candy was in Uncle Buck.  I think I remember seeing it first on TBS, probably around the time I was 8-9 years old or so.  The infamous "unbreakable plate" was my first laugh at his genius.  The more I think about Uncle Buck, the more I laugh.  The drill scene at the party (shown above).  His car that explodes out of the tailpipe.  His quick one-liners are what really stayed with me.  "What's tweedle-dinks name?...Bug...Bug?...First or last?...First....What's his last name spray?"  Classic.

This scene, when Uncle Buck has to go to the Vice Principal's office to talk about Molly.  Probably the funniest scene that to this day hasn't really been duplicated in another movie.

Now I don't want to stick with one movie to commemorate a man.  He got a role as the Wally World security guard in Vacation, when Clark Griswold and the family show up and the park is closed.  His role as Ox in the hilarious movie Stripes was great, too.  He was a member of Second City, which is to this day, a popular Improv society for up and coming comedians and actors (Candy was part of Second City Toronto- along with Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara and Martin Short).

Candy's movie career exploded during the 1980's.  He was among the comedic titans - Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, John Belushi, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase.  Candy is the one who was only seemed to be able to deliver a serious speech while being a leading man in a comedy.  It's hard to compare his presence to another performer's.  Dan Aykroyd was in serious roles, but his comedy roles seemed a bit over the top.

Candy's last couple of roles are still some of the best family appropriate comedies: Cool Runnings, Rookie of the Year, and Canadian Bacon.  His last film: Canadian Bacon, is one of those movies that you can laugh at whenever you want to remember some of the absurdity that was part of the Cold War.  Directed by, and I'm not kidding, Michael Moore (yes, that Michael Moore),this movie makes me think of what Moore's career would've been had he made comedies over documentaries.

In Candy's final years, he had tried to keep his weight a private subject.  He weighed in excess of 300 lbs, and had a family history of heart attacks.  Trying to quit smoking, along with losing weight, Candy suffered a heart attack that was fatal.  It was a sad end to a truly great comedian and actor.

Having a family history of illness and health defects is a hard truth to escape.  Heart attacks, high blood pressure, and even addiction, are really hard to overcome when growing up and finding out your place in the world.  It's hard to imagine John Candy living in a movie making world filled with body image issues and unbreakable habits.  I can't see him having a social media account, instagramming his dinner, or slimming down with some trendy diet system.  John Candy was and will always be a jolly funnyman who provided so much comedy and memories in cinema that are lacking nowadays.  If you don't agree, you can take a dime, and go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing of your face!  Good day to you Madam! (Uncle Buck quote...I couldn't help)

I’ve seen just about every James Bond movie and here’s how I rate them…

So, I’ve spent the last several days and hours on Netflix watching Bond movies that I queued a while ago that Netflix decided to remove for the month of November for some reason.  I’ve seen just about every Bond movie or all I could stand of most of the Bond movies (Octopussy is just as bad as it sounds).  So I thought I would blog about them and how I would rank them.  I will first explain that there is a little hidden Bond history that needs to be shown.  The “Bond” film Never Say Never Again, featuring Sean Connery and Kim Basinger isn’t an actual Bond film.  It was made by Paramount and if anyone who has ever seen a Bond film, knows that MGM is the production company that makes Bond films.  It came out the same year as Octopussy (like I said, I don’t think anyone knew what the hell was going on) and Connery probably thought he still had something in him (definitely wanted another paycheck). 

So, without further or do, let’s begin this list.  I’ll list them off and take note to the key things that make these Bond films distinct besides the car chases, shaken martinis, gorgeous women who love to sit around the baccarat table looking to screw anything with a pulse.  Riveting, I know.  Let’s start:

1. Dr. No (1962)

James Bond’s first ever movie!  He’s on assignment to team up with the CIA’s Felix Leiter (a repeating character who not only changes people but also ethnicities) and solve the mystery of some Jamaican island that has what the natives call “Fire Breathing Dragons!”, (SPOILER ALERT: it’s a tank with a flame thrower on it) .  Aside from this stunning image of Ursula Andress, the only thing else that is note worthing here is the ridiculous suit that the villain, Dr. No, is wearing in the nuclear chamber.  The scenes are nice, being pretty much set in Jamaice and all of the future pieces of the 007 world are introduced: M, Money Penny, Q, and SPECTRE.  Not the best, but it’s a nice start.  One thing I remember about this and most of the Connery/Moore Bond movies are the fight scenes where the sound mixers just decided to use the basic sound of guys punching and running all over each other.  Plus there is this one scene that made no sense at all: something that had to do with getting hijacked from a car.

2. From Russia With Love (1963)

This movie is easily recognized as “the one that takes place primarily on a train with a blonde guy and blonde girl”.  The blonde jacked Russian guy (Donald Grant) and this lovable Kremlin-esque face above (Rosa Klebb) work for SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion), which is pretty much the best idea that no one every really spun off from in any major film genre.  I mean, the Justice League has the Legion of Doom, and James Bond has SPECTRE.  It guarantees a slew of future movies.  Anyways, a beautiful Russian blonde (like this storyline won’t repeat ever) is trying to lure Bond into a trap while in the hunt for a Russian decoding machine.  This film pretty much makes Bond what it was for the rest of the 60’s and 70’s.  The main bad guy behind everything is a deep voiced man petting a cat with numbers for names of people, Bond goes on a boat race and blows up some oil barrels, and also blows up a helicopter while escaping from it using what might as well be a BB gun.  Well, played James.  I

3. Goldfinger (1964)

The third film, Goldfinger, is by far the most popular Bond film, probably of all time.  It featured the Aston Martin DB5, Fort Knox’s Gold, A bad guy with a pun for a name (Auric Goldfinger), a sexy henchwoman with another pun for a name (Pussy Galore), the first ever deranged bad guy with some obscene amount of strength and a hidden weapon (Oddjob), a slew of clever gadgets and tricks for Bond that somehow make a timely use for every movie, and a plot that’s still believable to this day.  Setting off a nuke inside Fort Knox to make make the U.S. Gold become radioactive for 56 years, thus making Goldfinger richer than ever?  What’ll we do?!  Oh yeah, let’s leave it up for MI6 and James Bond.  Felix shows up here too, this time white and a different man.  This one is the only Bond film not streaming on Netflix that I would’ve loved to watch again.

4. Thunderball (1965)

Bond heads back to the Bahamas!  Nassau!  Woo!  Spring Break!  Eyepatches!  SPECTRE is behind this one again (see, told you this would make someone money).  This film is easily the one described as “the one with Sean Connery mostly swimming and fighting off the eyepatch guy”.  The eye patch guy is Emilio Largo.  He stole some warheads and Bond wants them back.  This would never happen nowadays, it would be phone calls and paid ransoms.  SPECTRE would totally have the world over a barrel.  This is also the Bond movie where he flies a jetpack and fires a harpoon at someone sneaking on him and his honey pie (a brunette this time, named Domino), oh yeah and uses a woman as a human shield.  I love these movies the more and more I think about them.  Can you even imagine someone remaking these movies shot for shot? 

5. You Only Live Twice (1967)

That’s not Dr. Evil, that’s Donald Pleasance as Blofeld, one of the many people behind the SPECTRE operations.  This time, James Bond stars in “the one where he goes to Japan to find out about the space ship swallowed by the Russian spaceship.  If you IMDB this movie and see a picture of Sean Connery with a racist looking haircut, its because 1960’s Japan to the rest of the world was actually 1920’s Japan.  This definitely shows the downward spiral from Goldfinger and Thunderball.  I don’t think the creators knew where to go with this, so they went to Japan and tried to make American’s like Japanese people even though it’s a hard sell, even 20 years after Pearl Harbor. 

After this movie, the producers decided to go with George Lazenby for James Bond.  I won’t even mention that film here because it’s such a piece of shit.  Basically Blofeld is hunted again, and Irma Bunt, a henchwoman who reminds me of a bizarro Mary Poppins, kills “Mrs. Bond”.  Mrs. Bond?  Oh yeah, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is the one where “James Bond was married for 5 minutes and George Lazenby was James Bond for 142 minutes”.  Let me repeat that, a two and a half hour Bond film.  The ones that were two hours were hard enough to watch. 

7. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

After the atrocity known as George Lazenby exited quickly, Connery returned as 007.  Ironically, the guy you see before you is playing Blofeld.  That’s right, instead of keeping Donald Pleasance as Blofeld, they went with acotr Charles Gray, who had a little more charm to his bad guy persona.  This Bond film can be described as “the one that takes place in Vegas with the stubborn redhead and the two homosexual henchman”.  In case you don’t remember the two henchman, look up Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd and try to tell me those two weren’t the first homosexual bad guys on film.  The setting of Las Vegas for this film was a pretty good idea.  Q played slots illegally while not a single Pit Boss is accosting him for answers.  Jill St. John wears a lot of bikinis and tells a 10 year old to blow up his pants.  And Blofeld makes a remark about St. John showing too much “cheek”.  The main story behind this was that a satellite had Diamonds on it was going to be send a laser beam onto everything on Earth and heat it up until it exploded (ahem….Goldeneye).  Plus there was something involving marching band music in this movie which I still didn’t understand.

8. Live and Let Die (1973)

It should’ve really be called Roger Moore takes on Prince and the Revolution.  Jane Seymour aka Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is a tarot reader in this film.  It’s the second film for a new Bond and so far the studio is 0/2 with the new Bond thing.  I don’t know what the process was for making these movies, but this one was too damn hard to watch.  It was a lot of Voodoo and New Orleans and huge Cadillacs and Tarot cards.  WTF is James Bond doing in New Orleans?  It’s 1973!  He should be in New York with the Disco scene!  I tried to watch this, but all I knew was the Jane Seymour character was the slave tarot card reader who turned over a love card when she mentioned James Bond instead of the Death card like she was supposed to.  Nothing special in this movie at all.  It’s “James Bond versus Black people”.

9. The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

This movie wasn’t too bad but it wasn’t even close to enjoyable.  It revolved around a man who owned a wax museum on an island and also owns a laser controlled from solar cells which harnessed the power of the sun (ahem, Die Another Day).  It opens with the worst thing ever for a Bond villain to have: 3 nipples and the short guy from Pleasure Island (de plane de plane guy).  Not kidding.  Scaramanga, which might hold the title for most creative name to never be used again in any pop culture, is a million-dollar-a-job hitman, who sends 007 a golden bullet which makes him his next target.  The Golden gun is made out of a cigarette case and if anyone forgets from the video game, is a one shot kill. 

10. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Of all the henchman that scare the living hell out of people, Jaws has to be the one.  Oddjob had his hat, Nick Nack was small and quick, Pussy Galore was just a woman, the Russian guy from SPECTRE, none of them even come close as Jaws.  The Spy Who Loved Me, which was parodied very well by Mike Myers in Austin Powers 2, was about a Russian female spy (this time brunette) who are working together to try and find out how a Royal submarine carrying nukes was sunken (ahem, Tomorrow Never Dies).  The female agents name is Agent XXX.  Kinky I know.  One of the more famous scenes in this is when Bond drives the Lotus Elise into the water and it turns into a submarine.  Part of this movie also takes place on a train, but Jaws is involved.  Also, one of the main points of this movie is that when the mission is over, Agent XXX plans to kill James Bond.  Or does she?  (No, no she doesn’t)

11. Moonraker (1979)

One of the more futuristic Bond films during the 70’s, it involved space and rockets.  Hugo Drax, along with Jaws again as the henchman de jour, try to steal a NASA rocket from the USA without anyone knowing what they are up to.  Bond is sent on the case and uncovers a mystery that has more to do with the past than it does the future.  Some memorable scenes are the skydiving one where Jaws and Bond fight over parachutes in the beginning, there’s a speed boat race involving some explosive charges, and also some pretty fancy space suits and some futuristic technological laser guns.  Not a bad movie, but it’s certainly better than some of the other Moore Bond films.

12. For Your Eyes Only (1981)

I’ve seen this movie.  Less than 3 days ago.  Yet, I don’t think I could tell you a single important or distinct thing about it.  I know at one point there is a giant scuba suit fight.  Someone gets murdered and someone sees it.  I also know there is an encryption device, which I’m also positive I’ve written about already.  Either way, this movie was uninteresting.  The same Blofeld character comes back in a wheelchair for some reason and controls a helicopter with Bond inside.  This one also involves skiing and a hot Olympian that Bond does not sleep with, but might as well have since she was horny as hell and hits on him.  Who knew 20-something Olympic athletes liked 40-something secret agents"?

13. Octopussy (1983)

This Bond film is best described as “the one involving a Faberge egg and a clown.  Some villain buys a Fabrege egg and heads to India.  This is another movie where nothing really happens that is worth knowing.  There’s a train scene and an atomic bomb somewhere involving nuclear war.  The car doesn’t look that great.  The woman is okay.  The only memorable line is “Oh that?  That’s my little Octopussy”.  Lame. 

14. A View to a Kill (1985)

This Bond film is great start to finish.  Christopher Walken, a true acting talent, is the bad guy, Max Zorin.  May Day, who is played by Grace Jones the black version of Lady Gaga circa 1985 is the henchwoman who is just as sexual as she is dangerous.  Along with Tanya Roberts who plays a blonde geologist who knows Zorin’s plans to flood the Silicon Valley to take over the microchip industry.  There’s several twists about this plot.  There’s a part involving horse race cheating and Silicon Valley and the Eiffel Tower and tons of cool scenes.  This film was Roger Moore’s last one, which was a good way to go out.  The title song from Duran Duran is probably the best song to ever come from a Bond movie and make the Top 10 charts.  It’s interesting because the beginning title card shows “Neither the name Zorin nor any other name in this film is meant to portray a real company or actual person”, which always makes a person feel suspicious about the actual making of the film.  I know I was intrigued when I first saw that. 

15. Living Daylights/Licensed to Kill

Didn’t bother watching these ones either.  Here’s one thing I know about these two movies.  If Bond was going into a dark period, this was what put it there.  Timothy Dalton killed the Bond franchise for about 6 years. 

16. Goldeneye (1995)

The 6 year silence of James Bond returns and came out with a boom.  Probably considered the Best Bond film ever by some.  Pierce Brosnan, who has all the good looks, charm, and agent-like talent to pull off this movie.  Not only does it involve a Cold-war scenario which, during 1995 was hard to do at all seeing that most people were over Russia and the USSR thing.  The opening scene is tremendous.  The second scene is just as great.  The third scene, guess what, just as good as the next.  Sean Bean stars as 006, who “dies” during the opening scene but returns later to get his revenge on 007 for not staying and getting him out of their nasty little break-in.  Famke Janssen, plays Xenia Onatopp, who is probably one of the sexier henchwomen since her key move is crushing guy’s ribs and lungs with her hips and getting off to it.  The main story involves an electromagnetic resistant helicopter that is used in the hijacking of an old Soviet satellite that eliminates cities with one quick shot (sort of a remake of Diamonds are Forever).  Also Judy Dench is M in this one.  But Q returns and give Bond the BMW convertible which sold tons of models just because of this movie.  And guess what?  There’s a baccarat scene as well.  Bond does have an American friend, but it’s Jack Wade, not Felix.  I don’t know if I can say enough about this movie, but I will.

17. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

This film is a very modern and very slick Bond film.  It has a new BMW car, not a convertible, but an M5 series.  The bad guy is a media mogul (Murdock-esque) and is trying to create the news while reporting it.  One of the main lines that is a spin from Citizen Kane is “You provide the pictures, I’ll provide the war”, which is originally “you provide the prose poems, I’ll provide the war”.  Teri Hatcher, is a past Bond fling who is married to said  Media Mogul.  After he finds out, he has her killed and frames Bond for the murder, before it even happens.  Bond’s co-agent, a Chinese version of Agent XXX from Spy Who Loved Me, is named Wai Lin and she needs him to discover the whereabouts of a submarine that sank in the South China Sea, but was really outside of the zone where it really sank.  Elliot Carver, the villain, sails around in a stealth boat and decides to fire on both the British and Chinese, causing a war for his media coverage.  The henchman, Stamper, is a jacked Blonde guy who is famous for torturing people for hours while still holding them alive.  A very good Bond flick if I do say so.  Never really a dull moment, plus the car has a talking female voice and is drivable from a cell phone.  If only this technology panned out in real life.

18. The World is Not Enough (1999)

What do you get when you mix Denise Richards, a nuclear plot, a kidnapper named Renard who is losing his senses making him somehow stronger, and a victim who is suffering from Stockholm syndrome with a sexual twist?  This movie.  Not too much to write home about with this one.  It has some flashy scenes.  A submarine…again.  But this time it explodes underwater and is inches away from becoming nuclear.  Viktor Zukovsky is back from Goldeneye.  This movie also introduced Q’s replacement R, played by John Cleese.  This is Q’s last movie, making it hard to imagine another Bond film with the charming old scientist who invents things.

19. Die Another Day (2002)

Aahh.  Halle Berry.  Oscar winner.  Black beauty.  Why wouldn’t she be a Bond girl?  In this movie, which was very well thought out and futuristic, involves Bond being captured by the North Koreans and then traded for a Korean soldier who is of similar value to Bond.  In Bond’s return to duty, he looks for a Diamond mogul and tries to figure out the connection between the two.  While catching a couple views of Jinx Johnson here, he finds an island that offers gene therapy to people that alters their complexion and allows for a complete metamorphosis of the face, confusing Bond and other people suspicious of  them.  Madonna was in this one as some fencing instructor.  Inside MI6, there is a spy known as Miranda Frost, who works for the bad guy named Gustav Graves, who harnesses the power of the Sun on the North Pole to show to a bunch of World Powers at some Ice Hotel.  Then he goes nuts and tries to kill Bond.  This is Bond’s first movie with the new Aston Martin DB9 Vanquish which had some good tricks up its sleeve.  Pierce’s last film as Bond was okay.  Hard to go out on top, but I think he did the best he could.

20. Casino Royale (2006)

This movie is a reboot for the 007 series.  It’s with a new cast for the most part and a new style of Bond.  Daniel Craig, who is less charm and more machismo, is playing Le Chiffre in a marathon game of poker in Montenegro.  Bond is sent with Vesper Lynd and gets help from CIA Agent…(drumroll please)…..Felix Leiter!  Who is Black!….Again!  So there’s a team of people trying to play the World Series of Poker to try and win and beat Le Chiffre at his own game and lose his money so he can stop being a banker for the World’s Terrorist organizations.  There’s a twist at the end of this movie and it’s best to keep it secret since it ties into the next film.

21. Quantum of Solace (2008)

So, (SPOILER ALERT) James Bond is on a revenge trail and has to find whoever is responsible for his previous lover’s death.  There is a couple nice shots in Egypt and some good action sequences that have really gotten better from the previous Bond films.  I have no idea who the bad guy is or what he’s really after.  I don’t even know who the woman is, but I do know that she is named Camille.  Felix Leiter is once again in this, and he is played by the same person as the last movie. 

With this last movie being only so-so and the newest Bond film (Skyfall) looking better by the day, it’s hard to see what kind of Bond movies will be made my Daniel Craig and company.  Either way, I will be enjoying it.