Jokes No Longer In the Comedy Arena: Part Deux

I thought I would come back to writing about something since it has been quite a while since I've blogged.  One of my recent posts, which I liked writing about, was the Jokes No Longer in the Comedy Arena post, which I enjoyed because it meant going back through old television shows and finding the jokes that had the laugh-tracks right after the jokes but would not get laughs or even thoughts of laughs in today's world.  So here goes:

The Dynamite Candles

I think this was last used by The Goonies for a live-action use, if my knowledge serves me correct.  I think the aspect of people exploring dark caves and having a match on hand (why Bugs Bunny, Wyle E. Coytoe and other cartoons carried matches is beyond me), lighting it against a rock or their ass, and then seeing whats exactly in the dark cave and then everyone finds out it's cases of dynamite.  I'm pretty sure this was often a trademark for when Wyle E. Coyote would make a birthday cake for Road Runner and put the dynamite sticks on the cake.  Actually, scratch that, I'm thinking of this clip:

Hilarious, but nowadays it doesn't work as good.  I'm sure that this would be a lot funnier if there wasn't sure a threat of people blowing things up in America and there wasn't a dozen agencies trying to find people with cases of dynamite.  But, this is the world we live in.

Explosive Cigar

This is a very famous and STILL active trick used in Television.  Except it's used in CSI episodes instead of comedies.  It was a gag in M.A.S.H. and it was also used in a Statler and Waldorf bit on The Muppets.  As I'm researching this, I found out that the C.I.A., (yes, the Central Intelligence Agency) tried to assassinate Castro using explosive cigars.  This might be where the comedy in it started to run out.  At least it's somewhat relevant and it's still available in some media, but alas, it won't ever make a comedy sketch in today's world.

Being Raped by an Animal (particularly a Gorilla)

This specific moment is at the end of Trading Places, one of the best Eddie Murphy movies out there.  Hysterical, still relevant today, and probably a very underrated comedy.  It ends with this scene:

Now I don't have to tell you, but the man in the gorilla suit is about to get raped.  Rape, from my current understanding, is not a joke and is very serious.  Law & Order: SVU has been on 20 years just because of rape.  However, in this situation, it's the cherry on the comedic sundae for how the bad guy will end up at the closing of this movie.  He gets raped!  And everyone in the theater probably laughed their heads off!  It's a perfect ending!  A man gets raped!  Now if only every episode of Law & Order SVU would end in laughter.

A Man dancing with a Mop, Pretending its a Woman

As I researched this, I found out that there is actually a nice sub-culture of men and women who clean their houses and take pictures while thinking they are Gene Kelly in this scene:

However, I've yet to see this back in the mainstream for television or movie comedy.  Actually, I have.  But I'm not sure that there has been any footage of a man dancing with a mop or broom in a comedic fashion since Mrs. Doubtfire:

I will say that in America, we as people still dance and sing and maybe even guitar riff out Swiffers and mops and vacuums, but I don't see Hollywood getting back into it anytime soon.  Thus, I'm submitting this into the jokes that are no longer in the Comedy Arena.

That's it for now.  I'll be back again!

What I Did (Am Doing) On My Summer Hiatus...

So I've been away from blogging for a while.  To be honest, my passion kind of went by the wayside when I lost my job at the bank I worked for.  But here's how the month of August and some of September was for me:

I started looking around websites to see what kind of jobs are trending and where I might be wanted.  Boston.com made a good list.

But then you find out that the site editors of their precious lists don't know that they mixed up their "Top 10 In-Demand Jobs In Massachusetts" with the "Top 10 Most Stressful Jobs".  I mean I could've caught this.  I READ!  Also, I don't know how watching a presentation and leaning toward the hot blonde next to you to invite her to dinner is how a Marketing Manager works.

 Now I don't know about you, but I don't really think that an Administrative Assistant is going to be a Bluetooth guy.  He's sitting at a desk in a lobby and making sure someone fills out all the paperwork on the clipboard.  He isn't THAT busy.  Good picture nerds.

 I also started doing some more job searching and had to submit to which kind of person I think I am.  I picked out some of the characteristics I think describe me.  But when you first open this webpage and find out "well, this company really knows how to put adjectives in a random order" and then after a while you figure out this company didn't include the words HONEST or ETHICAL, which I didn't realize until looking at it now.  I'm entering a second interview with this company next week.

You'd also think that with the left over room on one side of the screen, they'd be able to fill it with some of the words from this one.  

I continued to grow and store cucumbers.

I bartended for a birthday party in Stoughton.  It was fun.  I made more money than I thought I would.

I turned 27 while all this was going on.  I looked and felt like this^

I also had a plethura of tomatoes grow in my backyard.

I scoured the internet for more jobs and found that sometimes employers don't even care about grammar or spelling, unless they find it on my resume.  This is a screen shot from an employer in Braintree.  I have a degree in Economics, not E-comics.  (I tried to send this as a joke to two people and it flopped both times.  I'm guessing since Autocorrect exists that spelling just isn't important anymore.)

This is another harvest I had.

I barteneded a very cool wedding in New Hampshire and this was the tap of the keg beer that the groom brewed.  They weer a very generous and very loving family.  All the best to them.

I made salsa with all the tomatoes and cilantro I had.

Right now I'm still chugging away, still bartending on weekends, still saving money, still applying and networking and asking around.  I'm at the point right now where if I counted how many jobs I've applied for I'd get really depressed.  I got an email from Lowe's saying that they wanted to pursue other candidates for their part-time cashier position. I only worked at a gas station for 5 years and then at a Bank of America cash vault for another 4.  Let's hope this funk ends sooner.

Don't worry people...

I'm still here, but I'm just not here-here.  I'm trying to get myself out of this employment rut.  Also I'm just way too down about it to be doing any inspired writing.  I have made some things out of my tomatoes, Salsa for one.  I'm just trying to get back into my routine of money-making.

This is What I do: I Make Pasta Sauce

This is a video of me, cooking my pasta sauce from the fresh home grown tomatoes.  It's basically Tomatoes, Basil, Salt and Pepper, Oregano, and Rosemary.  It has seeds because I didn't have the patience to go find my parent's Foley Food maker which is a way to get out seeds.  I like the way it tastes and I've already got compliments about it.

Gardening Update 10

Holy Tomatoes!

What a Guy thinks when he sees your Online Dating Photos

For those of you that aren't already in the online dating world, this is what a guy is thinking when he is rummaging through your posted photos.  I've seen enough of the same photos to break them down by category.  If anyone is wondering, I didn't actually take any photos from other people's dating profiles, I just googled what I was looking for.

The "Mud Run" Photo

Her Brain: "I Love The Outdoors and Being Active"
His Brain: "Well she has her weekends free.  I wonder if she likes doing laundry?.....nah"

The "Crossfit" Photo

Her Brain: "I'm all about Staying in Shape and Getting Fit!"
His Brain: "She's in better shape than I will ever be in.  She also likes Cult Exercising." (*guaranteed that someone that does Crossfit talks to me about not liking Crossfit*)

The "On a Mountain" Photo

Her Brain: "I LOVE to go hiking and exploring new trails."
His Brain: "For someone looking for a date/boyfriend, she sure does like being alone."

"The Bridesmaid" Photo

Her Brain: "I love my GirlFraaaaaaaaands! BFFF 143!"
His Brain: "Her friends aren't single and she is.  She probably wants to get married real soon.  I don't think about marriage."

The "Backpacking through Europe" Photo

Her Brain: "OMG I miss Europe much!  I loved being cultured!"
His Brain: "Well if we ever dated I can ask her about Europe and then tune out for an hour!"

The "Pixelated/Blocked out Ex-Boyfriend" pic

Her Brain: "This is my ex-boyfriend.  This is proof that I'm relationship material.  I pixeled out his face in case he was on this dating website too."
His Brain: "What the hell is going on in the background anyway? It's a bunch of dudes in jorts without shirts on.  That can't be her boyfriend.  It's probably her gay friend that is just in shape."

The "Bathroom Selfie" Photo

Her Brian: " I like, never take these photos. I hate when guys take these photos.  Creeeeeeps."
His Brain: "Well at least she doesn't take pictures of her shit when she's in the bathroom."

The "Arm on Hip" Photo

Her Brain: "Hey Guys!"
His Brain: "She has a picture taking pose.  Cool."

The "Eating at a Diner" Photo

Her Brain: "Yummmmm!  I love Brunch!"
His Brain: "If I buy her food, she'll eat it"

The "This is me and my son/daughter" Photo

Her Brain: "I love my kiddo to death!"
His Brain: "SHE HAS KIDS RUUNNNNNNNNN!"


Hope you enjoyed!

Actors and Actresses I can do Without

I've seen a lot of movies in my life.  I've rated around 1700+ on Netflix so I'm guessing that I've seen all of those at least once, but there's no telling how many I've watch multiple times.  I've seen many an actor and actress perform, and some I don't even need to watch perform because I can tell that there are many of whom don't need watching.  They just suck.  As actors and as people.  I know that this list of people is probably on Cracked.com or some website that they do nothing by top whatever lists.  But, I will have at least some

Jim Carrey

Why Jim?  Well, why not Jim.  He hasn't really been a major contributing factor in his main brand of comedy since Bruce Almighty.  Before that his last funny movie was Liar Liar.  Jim Carrey used to be able to carry a comedy into the box office.  But then America got over his hyper-eccentric brand of comedy and switched to something a little more calm and calculated.  Which makes me worried about his upcoming projects.   He's being attached to movies that I really enjoyed the first time around, and I'm hoping he doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.  I find it kind of sad that movie-goers have become Pavlovian in their reactions to seeing actors on screen.  If Burt Wonderstone was funnier, I might have a different opinion about Jim Carrey, but let's just say his comedic career can only get better.

Adam Sandler

Sure Adam Sandler is probably responsible for my generation's movie quotable movies (Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison), but he hasn't ever taken a break from acting or making movies with David Spade and Rob Schneider.  Since 2000, he has 27 acting credits, most of which are movies he starred in, produced, and are involving his previous SNL alum.  He does not stop working.  He needs to.  He's suffering from over-exposure and his movie trailers are headed towards things that remind people of "From the Mind of M. Night Shamylan".  South Park hit it on the head with this clip from a couple seasons ago.  Might want to put in some headphones if you're reading this at work.

Marion Cotillard

In my opinion, the worst actress with the most movie-critic pull.  I don't know what everyone else likes about her.  Sure she's attractive, but you can't spit in Hollywood without hitting someone attractive.  She won her Oscar for La Vie En Rose, which no one in America saw because it's a French film and American's don't like anything French, unless it's mustard.  Now I first saw her in Public Enemies and she was just a distraction.  Not a single scene from her (or from that movie) seemed like it was going to stick out in my mind.  It didn't help that Public Enemies was too grainy and the picture quality was absolute crap.  I then saw her in Inception.  Again, a distraction that (SPOILER ALERT) kept committing suicide in Leo's dreams.  Her third strike came from The Dark Knight Rises, where she played Miranda, and somehow managed to rise to the ranks of the Wayne Corporation and (SPOILER ALERT) be related to Bane.  Now for Marion, I don't know what to think.  She can easily be replaced by Emily Blunt, who is also foreign, and can probably do more in any role than she can.  Au revoir Marion.

Helena Bonham Carter/Johnny Depp/Tim Burton

I'm lumping all three of these people together.  They are responsible for keeping the Goth trend alive and they are somehow still being allowed to make movies.  I just realized that Tim Burton's hair looks like the lead Goth kid from South Park.  I'm sure that's on purpose.  Now, I don't plan on seeing another movie with all three of these people in it.  However, I might see a movie with one of them in it alone.  Tim Burton is remaking ever single nursery rhyme with these two actors and I have no place for it in my life.  I don't think I need to make anymore of an argument for him.  Johnny Depp is too much into his own look.  The wristbands, the weird hats, the goatee, the mustaches, the wide variety of glasses - somehow work for him, but work terribly on every other human on the planet.  I don't like Helena Bonham Carter that much, but I loved her in Fight Club, which is high on the list of my favorite book-movies.  If she doesn't hang out with either of these two again, she wouldn't be on this list.

Russell Brand

I hate him.  Not only because he "acted" in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (a favorite of mine) but because he somehow still gets work for being the British version of Johnny Depp.  He apparently is funny, but you wouldn't know that because he had an FX show that no one watched because he had guests like the Westboro Baptist Church people.  I know, nothing says comedy like a hate group that do nothing but soldier funeral protests.  I would not like to be stuck on a elevator with him.

Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart isn't an actress.  She just has a camera on her enough for a lot of people to be watching.  I don't watch her vampire-wolf movies.  She can be substituted with someone who is a little more attractive and can actually act.  She is apparently the top female earner in Hollywood, but you wouldn't really know that because she just acts the way she talks.  Go watch her on Fallon or Kimmel, there's no difference in her acting or talking.  I just don't like her as an actress.  Amber Heard could do over everything she did and could probably do it better.


There are probably a lot more people that I could do without in the acting department, but I just don't have the time.  I'm surprised I found the time for this.

Gardening 7

The zucchini plant died and I made something with the last available one.  Coming up good though.