First Date Nightmares

Dating sucks.  Just ask any of the people that do it and aren't already in relationships.

Both a parties have to pretend to do something with someone they don't readily know, not lose their cool, and then have to put on a face that suggests "I might do this again someday, but probably with someone else."  Doesn't it always seem that first date activities are things that you would never ever do in your spare time, unless it's drinking?  Bowling, Kayaking, Fine Dining, Mountain Climbing, Walking on a Beach, Hiking a trail, Going to a Zoo.  Why do first date activities get picked from the hat of "I've Never Do This In My Spare Time, But For Some Reason, It Might Get Me Laid".  What ever happened to burger and a movie?

First dates are ESPECIALLY the worst things you can do in your twenties, and from what the rest of the Internet tells me, up into your 40's.  There are several kinds of first dates.  There are the first dates that end in sex, 

end with Award Nominations for Most Awkward Hug...

or they can end with a "Call Me This Weekend" kiss (rare and very often not admired)

Now there will be times when both parties agree to end their date in whatever way they want.  The nightmare comes in when there is a disagreement and both people end up over-thinking every single "signal" or move that the other makes.

A lot of times, people go into dating without knowing what exactly they want.  Over time, if a couple dates and just wants to things copacetic, that's great.  What amateur daters don't realize is that they are looking for someone that they think will be okay to bring around their friends.  That's all a date/a girlfriend/a boyfriend is in this world, when you boil it down.

It is great if two people can connect on other levels, but that comes after finding someone in the first place.  However, there is that dreaded destination that seems to be populated with love-scorned men: THE FRIEND ZONE!

This clip from Wet Hot American Summer sums up what the Friend Zone is.  Scores of women will deny that the Friend Zone exists or that they have put "friends" there, but that's because if you don't talk about something, it ceases to exist.  

This scene by the way, is the worst thing that a guy can hear from someone that he likes, especially at a young age.  This is every kid in high school's  nightmare.  He does all the things that he thinks the girl wants in a guy, but she just wants to have sex with the hotter guy.  There is no way around it.  C'est la Vie.

The David Spade Theory: On Women and Dating.

The David Spade Big Bang Theory

So I have this theory about the way women think and how they find their attraction in someone else.  I was listening to a podcast talk about David Spade and who he has dated.  You figure at first sight, David Spade is who he is.  He’s about to get into his 50’s, he was on SNL back in the Sandler/Farley/Myers days has managed to pull down a ton of tail in the meantime.  Here’s what I mean:

Actor A has worked in about 50 movies and television shows.  Actor A is also 5 foot 4 inches tall, has a net worth around $40 million dollars.  Actor A also has a couple of Emmy nominations and a couple of wins for being on television.  He became popular for being a sketch comedy show around the 1990’s.  

Actor B has worked in 50 movies and television shows.  Actor A is 6 feet 1 inch tall, has a net worth or $150 million dollars.  Actor A has a couple of Golden Globe wins.  He was also famous for being a sketch comedy show during the 1980’s and 90’s.  

Actor A’s past girlfriends are Lara Flynn Boyle, Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Jillian Reynolds, Nicollette Sheridan, Heather Locklear and many playboy playmates.  

Actor B’s past girlfriends are Jenny McCarthy, Linda Ronstadt, January Jones, Courtney Cox, Renee Zellweger, and Lauren Holly.

Actor A is David Spade and Actor B is Jim Carrey.  

Now the theory here is that if women see that a woman is dating someone that is a particular nobody in the public light, then they will think that there is something about that person that isn’t readily known but makes them suspicious that they are actually better than perceived.  Heather Locklear is a stone cold fox, especially during the 1990’s and 1980’s.

Women will see who other women’s boyfriends are and if the couple doesn't seem quite right then they will conclude that there is something about that man that is special or unknown, but in a good way.  In short, “if he can land her, then he is good enough for me.”  Men do not usually think this way, women however, think this way all the time.  Now David Spade has been able to still have work and that’s great for him.  But Jim Carrey has still been able to carry a movie, land laughs all around and was Funniest Man of the Year several times during his long run of comedy.  But if you measured a man by who he brings to his bed, Spade takes this race in spades (pardon the pun).  

I’m wondering if a man can convince a woman, just one hot woman, to sleep with him, or at least make the impression that they have been sleeping together for about a year or so, he will be able to pull down lots of hot women for the rest of his career.  Now when men measure each other it’s usually with wealth, work, and women.  The car they drive, they women they fuck, and how many friends they keep.  I don’t think David Spade is on any level close to Jim Carrey, yet they have been working just as long as each other and they are able to have 2 successful careers, while Spade has a higher puss-kill.  

The idea of just being with one hot woman can change the future relationship trajectory is vastly amusing to me.  So, for all the hot women out there that want to make every guy’s future life more enjoyable - date the ugly nerd or the not-so-hot guy who will probably never forget what you will do to his confidence in his life.  And you probably won’t even have to do that much.

Thanks for reading.

Things Guys Do To Just Get Laid

If you didn't know this, it's because you aren't looking at the picture hard enough.  Men are primal creatures. We are predators.  We will do anything to get in the sack with women.  Especially if its with women we find attractive.  In fact, it's almost become comical how much guys will get into things before they realize that they have been duped into making a fool out of themselves.  If we see a hot group of women doing something that we aren't doing, we will instantly gravitate toward that thing.  Don't believe me?  Then you aren't seeing it, or you're just naive.

Attending Rallies That We Have No Point of Attending 

Guess what?  All these guys in this picture are probably getting laid.  Why?  Because they took a stand on something that involves women than it does men.  They probably thought to themselves, well this doesn't involve me at all, but there sure are a lot of women over here.  This was well illustrated in an episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia as seen below.  Plus there was a hilarious bit by Chris Rock in one of his stand ups.

Taking Extracurricular Classes or Going to Grad School

This dude right here is a straight up gangster.  Probably has his Masters in Political Science or whatever, and he probably met his bottom bitch girlfriend there too.  If he didn't go to Grad School, he'd still be working at Staples pushing Copy Paper and Ink Jet Printers to confused Mom's buying shit for their husbands.  Going to Grad School doesn't necessarily get you a better job, but it will certainly get you laid.  And women are always looking for men to go out with in grad school, there is evidence here and here.  If a woman is earning a higher degree than most men, why are we even bothering competing against her?  Let he get the degree and the higher paycheck.  Don't waste calories!

Cooking Classes

These two guys, not wearing chef's hats?  They are totally getting laid.  Now I understand people not knowing how to cook.  But at what point did we need to attend classes in order to meet the people that were learning how to cook.  Now I'm no idiot, but there is an overwhelming majority of women that couldn't cook if there life depended on it.  I'm guessing we can attribute some of this nation's weight gain on the care-takers not knowing how to cook for their kids, leading them to go out and spend money on food that they don't really know the nutritional value of.  It's good that at least one of the two people in a relationship know how to cook well.  Now when a guy learns how to cook, he usually finds something he wants to eat and then figures out what else goes good with it.  A typical bachelor that knows how to cook will not yield a girlfriend in anyway (I'm living proof of this and I know other single people who know how to cook from scratch).  A female that knows how to cook (not just bake cookies or boil spaghetti) will probably have solidified a boyfriend.  Why?  Because a good cooking female will render a male who doesn't want to cook.  Some women could care less about food and think that a bagel and frosting is a meal.  It's not a meal, it's horrendous.  Men like when a woman can cook, while women don't really put "he can cook" on the first things they look for in a man.

Spin Class

I don't know if many other people know this, but Spin Class is actually terrible for you.  It can result in vaginal mutilation, increases in lactic acid, and doesn't really help you lose weight.  Now I know that most women, in order to feel good about working out, they find a friend, go to the gym together, and if they offer spin classes, they sign their friend and them up for a couple sessions.  Men go to the gym, throw around weights, and then go home.  Do men really need to take spin classes?  No.  Why do we?  Because women take spin classes and some place that you can meet another person.

Electronic Dance Music Shows

Guess what?  Everyone that goes to one of these shows is either 1) really into EDM 2) on drugs 3) both or 4) looking to get laid by a someone from the previous three options.  EDM crowds usually have some of the most physically fit human beings.  Don't believe me?  Go to a Country concert then go to an EDM concert.  The people at the country concert are barbecuing and drinking Jack Daniels while the EDM goers are probably not drinking alcohol and dancing rampantly.  Now if there is an EDM concert and a Country concert going on, you can bet that a healthy majority of men will do whichever concert they see the hotter women at.  Now look at the dude in this picture, in the bottom left corner.  If he were wearing that Transformers hat when he wasn't at a concert, he wouldn't get laid ever.  Same goes for any of the dudes in this picture.  But guess what, they are there because women are there.

Yoga/Pilates

The top picture is what you would see if you were to randomly walk into a pilates studio.  The bottom picture is a depiction of what men are really doing at a yoga class.  Hot women in a room with tight pants on putting their ass in the air for an hour?  Count me in!  Dudes, we have no business being in a yoga class or pilates class.  If your Grandfather who fought in a war and built bridges, signed up to do a yoga class, everyone would've questioned his sexuality.  Now that there are options for Americans other than fighting wars and building bridges, we have to think about whether we want to get into Yoga or Pilates.  A man's version of exercise is playing a sport or lifting heavy objects.  We managed to turn long walks in well-landscaped areas into a sport (Golf for any idiots out there).

Skinny Jeans

If this dude isn't into other dudes, he's getting laid by a woman.  Why?  Because women like men that wear skinny jeans.  Why?  WHO THE HELL KNOWS!  Skinny jeans decrease your sperm count.  You can barely get a boner in them.  And they just aren't comfortable!  Imagine if your buddies caught you out with skinny jeans on.  Do they think, what the hell are you doing?, or do they think 'Oh, your trying to get laid right now?  If you and your friends were to go to a sporting event, would you think about wearing skinny jeans?  NO!  I cannot think of any activity that men would do in a group that would warrant skinny jeans other than picking up women.

Being Vegan on Purpose

I'm proud to say that when I googled "men being vegan" I found an article about Katie Aselton, better known as the wife from The League, as well as director of Black Rock, does not like a Vegan male.  THANK GOD THAT WE'VE FOUND ONE!  She cited going out with a guy to get a burger.  The article itself is kind of a "well she should involve herself with our cause".  No she shouldn't.  Vegan males are pussies.  Would it be manly to go out for for burgers and ask "Do you guys have any Vegan options?"  NO!  I hope that no woman should ever go through that pain of sitting down for a date and realizing that their date is a giant tool.  Men should be manly.  We love steak.  Go meat!


What I am trying to illustrate here is that if anyone were to think that Women aren't funny, look at how stupid they make men look.  That is the ultimate joke.  The other point I'm trying to make is that Men should just be Men and do what they want to do and hopefully someone will notice them if they get good at it.